44, I remember at 23 thinking that was far to young but I had no idea how truly young it was until I reached that age…. now I will always be older than my dad, a heartbreaking thought but one I think about a lot.
This is probably not the post you would expect from a person who has been somewhat absent on a fantastic vacation but it is one I have felt the need/urge/desire to write. Having just experienced my 50th birthday on Friday and then recognizing the anniversary of Dad’s passing…. well it makes one think and reflect.
I miss my dad and almost everyday a thought runs through my head, I wonder what dad would think, I wonder what he would do…. no matter what anyone tells you it never actually ever goes away., it does become easier but it is always there.
Certain occasions always bring more frequent thoughts, the birth of his grandchildren, milestones like graduations, anniversaries, births, deaths, divorce, marriage, even the silly things like the perfect putt, or a long drive, those moments when you want your parents around, those are the moments that you wish…and wonder I wonder what Dad would think/do if he was here.
I get sad, not just for the moments that I missed but for the moments that he missed. The one thought I keep with me is the thought that he is watching over me/us.
I loved spending time with my dad, he was young enough to still be cool yet strict enough to still be my dad. ( sometimes very strict, I actually think I may still be grounded because I don’t think hell has frozen over yet, has it?).
I was fortunate enough that Dad was there for my graduation, he walked me down the aisle ( although I wish he had of still been around for that aftermath), but he never got to meet Kent and see how happy I am today. He never meet my great stepsons, never got to see where I progressed in my career. He did not get to walk my other sisters down the aisle, nor did he get to see my baby sister graduate, he missed the births of all his wonderful grandchildren and all of life’s milestones that have shaped all of us into who we are today.
I may not be the most religious person in the world but the thought that there is something else or somewhere else is a thought I hold on to, I like to imagine that my dad and Kent’s dad have meet up there and have shared a drink or two while looking down upon us, joined by papa of course because I am sure they have all sought each other out. I imagine them shaking their heads and chuckling over the antics their kids/grandkids get into. Believe what you want or what you need to but it is the thoughts such as those that have allowed me to move forward with a positive attitude.
My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in early December 1986 and passed away 8 weeks later, there was no time to tie up lose ends, to learn to accept what was happening, it just began and then it was over….
I learned then that you never know what life is going to deal you, all you can do is learn to adjust to every curve ball thrown your way, grab the ones you love, hug them tight and always, always let them know how much you love them.
AS a footnote, no matter how much I miss my dad and wish he was still here with us I need to add that I have a wonderful step dad who has filled our lives with fatherly love. He holds just as special a place in my heart.